he wants to bone in the snuggie
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
