Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
