I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
