Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
