did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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