My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
