The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We were destined to go to rehab together
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
