Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
