Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
