I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
