I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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