Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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