At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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