They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
