Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
