Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I need to stop coming to work sober
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You ruined the universe
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
