i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
