I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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