Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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