she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
