Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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