Reggie can tackle my bush.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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