A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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