My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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