Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
