Already got asked if we're dating
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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