if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We need to rekindle our bromance
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wear drunk well.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
