didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
