Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
