Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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