I should be sponsored by Trojan
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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