If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
