you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
