this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
