You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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