i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
