For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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