My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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