8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
