Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
