DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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