when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
