i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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