update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
