I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
