Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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