i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
