booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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