I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
