just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
